please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
How naked do you want me to be?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
