it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
