My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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