I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
