i already hear my dad disowning me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
