I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
