I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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