she was so not down for the gang bang
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
