Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
