I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
