i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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