I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
