so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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