yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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