So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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