And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
ttyl tear gas
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
