no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
