fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
