my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
