Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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