When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
