Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
no, he came in my armpit
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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