i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
