I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She bit a glass in half.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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