Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
