I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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