There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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