Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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