So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
