Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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