I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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