the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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