He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
