remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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