I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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