my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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