Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
