Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
