Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
