Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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