i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
