i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
