I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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