My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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