there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I wannas sexs uuuuu
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
