new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
