your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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