Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
