Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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