My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
