i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
